Charlie Big Potatoes 5

November 13th, 2010


Hello fans! Charlie Big Potatoes here! Above is a picture of my new pop combo – Horrible Sexy Vampires (you can call us The Sexies for short). Moncur the Monkey cannot play the banjolele he is affecting; he is merely holding it for the purposes of the photo, a bit like that Sid Vicious from the Sex Pistols. Note too his vacant expression, he is no doubt thinking of banana flavoured marshmallows or the time he failed that audition to become the PG Tips monkey because he was too bedraggled. I have sent him to my tailor in Jermyn Street, but he threatened to defrock me for life, and sent Moncur packing with (another) flea in his ear. Chocolate Ted, on the other hand, is a dab hand at tinkling the ivories. His piano is painted black to match his black black heart, which is a palpating muscle made from purist evil – all of which, thankfully for yours truly, is directed at the buffoon Monkey, who he attempts to murder once every calendar month. Ted is deputy leader of The Sexies and takes over when I take one of my frequent holidays at ‘her majesty’s pleasure’, for, ahem, insider trading. I am lead singer and play the Aeolian wind harp, electrified violincello, serpentine bassoon and the sarrusophone. The picture is us at Thornton Watlass Ex-Servicemen’s Club, performing my our biggest hit – Why Do You Believe Me When I Tell You That I Love You When You Know I’ve Been A Liar All My Life?

The Roy Keane of Teddy Bears

December 18th, 2009

Picture 3

It’s me again CHARLIE BIG POTATOES, this is my other friend, Chocolate Ted; he is not called that because he is brown, but because he arrived at chez Potatoes in a chocolate treasure chest. Don’t let his cute looks fool you, he is evil incarnate. Observe those cruel eyes, like jet-black volcanic glass. Chocolate Ted spends his entire day trying to get ‘one up’ on Moncur the Monkey – admittedly this is about as difficult as trying to pull the wool over the eyes of a sheep wearing a woolen balaclava – but he approaches it with due seriousness and diligence. He has built a telescope the same size and shape as the leaning tower of Pisa with which he follows Moncur’s idiotic adventures. And idiotic they are! From time to time he comes up with a fiendish plan designed to rid him of ‘that darned monkey’ for, hem hem, ever. He has, variously, flambéed Moncur, put him in a juice machine, skewered him with a screwdriver, and strapped him to a, rather large, firework. There are explicit pictures (of all vital organs) in the Leither Magazine each month. I can assure all my readers that only one monkey is hurt in the making of these visceral tableaux. Hem hem, by the way, that plaster he wears is an ‘affectation’.

Above average stupidity

December 12th, 2009

CHARLIE BIG POTATOES here introducing the first of my, hem hem, chums. This is Moncur the Monkey he (says) he is from Colintraive, which is miles away, so what’s he doing here say I? He is a holy fool and he doesn’t have ought, not even a brain. He used to have a fishing rod, £10, and an oilrig, but I, hem hem, ‘acquired’ them all.  He believes this fibre optic tubby Santa is God, even though I tell him it is more likely to be Lady Gaga, as I met her at a fashion shoot and she is very similar. Although, I have to say, my dears, that the fibre optic tubby Santa is tres charmant whereas Ms Gaga is a tad de trop. Moncur is a simple fellow – okay, a simpleton – who lives in a constant state of fuddled bewilderment and awe. Usually occasioned by the speed with which I manage to ‘obtain’ and, hem, recycle anything he gets his greasy paws on. Like I say, he has the brains of a prune that has been boiled in tea and likes nothing more than lying in the garden on a hand of bananas with the sun on his furry jowls.

Where the mild things are

December 10th, 2009

CHARLIE

Excuse me you lot, my name is Charlie Big Potatoes and I am, hem hem, an entrepreneur. Which means I collect things. Some of the things I have collected include Moncur the Monkey and Chocolate Ted, I shall tell you more of them by the by, for the moment it is enough to know that I own everything that belongs to them or, for that matter, anything that will ever belong to them. They appear in a cartoon in The Leither Magazine called Animals of the World in Danger or, for my South American ‘associates’, los Animales en Peligro, for which yours truly receives a 100% agents fee, and that’s the kinda sugar Charlie likes. So you can see I am the Don King of the soft toy world. I’m also quite the figure in the fashion world and can often as not be found strolling down the Bois de Boulogne with an independent heir (usually one of the Saudi prince’s). In this picture I am wearing a light-emitting diode corset (for, hem, men, you understand) by Hussein Chalayan, vintage uggs and mittens by Balmain and a bull accessory by Hermes. I think you’ll agree I cut quite the dash? Anyway enough of me for the mo, next time I’m on ‘air’ – what do you mean I’m not on air? – I’ll introduce you to that buffoon Moncur the Monkey.

Excuse Me!

December 2nd, 2009

CHARLIE BIG POTATOES is being photographed by Rankin and will be with you in an instanter.